Thoughts about the holidays

Happy Holidays 2014! 

Hope that everyone had a great time with family and friends this holiday season. We have enjoyed all of the things we have been able to do with family and friends and the gifts we have given and received.

I'm sitting at the dining room table gazing at our Christmas tree. Looking at the lights and each ornament, remembering its significance to our family. One happens to catch my eye; two pair of boots, one for a Dad and one for his son. It commemorates Sam's first year hunting with the boys in 2013. Many airplane ornaments hang on our tree showing that Sam and I are pilots. And the favorite dog ornaments with pictures of Molly commemorating each year she has been with us.

As a kid, it was so hard to wait for the holidays to come. From winter break, to seeing what Santa had for us and being able to stay up until midnight to ring in the New Year. Now as adults, we put in the work our parents did for us, picking out the gifts, writing out the cards, setting up the tree, and visiting friends and family. As I have grown up, the meaning of the holidays has changed, from the one who just experiences it to the one who creates the experience.

It's an honor to create the holiday experience for those we love. Playing Santa and staying up late to build a bike, even though the instructions are as clear as mud. Standing in line for hours at the toy store to get that specific toy that will make Christmas just right. Baking the goodies for all of the dinners, school and work activities. I smile a lot when I'm wrapping gifts and putting each one under our tree. Anticipating how happy they will be when we unwrap them the next day.

With all of the good things the holidays bring, sometimes I wonder why I'm so relieved when they are over. Part of it is all of the work that goes into it, but I enjoy seeing how the hard work pays off. The smiling faces of family and friends with what they have received from us or how our meals or desserts turned out. Another part of it is giving the time to write out cards, decorate the tree, put lights on the house. All things I really enjoy doing.

Sometimes putting this experience together takes away the time we get for ourselves to relax and get other projects done. But, during the holidays, a lot of projects go on hold. On the other hand, the holidays can also be a motivator to get some of those procrastinated projects done before having family and friends over to celebrate. So, I still don't really know why I can feel relieved that they are over when I enjoy them so much.

Other people in my life have had different experiences that have affected me this year. My Uncle suffered a mild stroke. He was in the hospital for a couple of days and is now at home working with a physical therapist to get his strength back. One of our neighbors had a massive stroke and passed away on Christmas Eve. A childhood friend's Dad passed away this past fall. I consider my family very fortunate that my Uncle will be o.k. I think a lot about the children of our neighbor and my childhood friend. It will be a very different experience for them celebrate Christmas without a parent this year, just like it has been for me the last six years.

After the holidays in Minnesota, it turns into at least three months of winter and either being huddled inside catching up on indoor projects or enjoying an outdoor winter sport. It becomes a great time for me to research and write, for Sam to go ice fishing, and for the kids to go snowboarding. For others, it will be dealing with a loss and accepting how different it feels to be without them. Our loved ones will always be with us in spirit, but it isn't the same as it was when they were here. So, when I start to wonder why I feel relieved that the holidays are over, I'm reminded that those feelings are important to me, but are not a big deal compared to what others have to deal with. Be grateful for what you have during the holidays and always.

It is all about Kate - Chapter 6

"You don't need to focus on being a has been Kate. You just need to give them the great person that you are," Brandon said as they walked into the community center with the riding club volunteers who were helping with the program. After everyone was settled in the classroom, Sally nodded as she left, a signal for Kate to start.

"Hello, my name is Kate Connors. I'm going to help you Learn to Ride today. How many of you have never been on a bike before?"

A few kids in the room raised their hands. 

"You've never been on a bike before?" One of the boys asked, "that's just dumb."

"What's your name?"

"Danny."

"Why do you think it's dumb that they haven't been on a bike before?"

"Everyone has been on a bike before."

"Well, some of these kids haven't and that's o.k."

"Danny, let's not disrupt the class," Sally said as she came back in and placed a cardboard box on the table in the front of the room.

The kids started laughing because Danny was getting into trouble. Kate took a deep breath and continued.

"Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I grew up here in Manor City and I'm a former bike racing champion."

She paused. She wasn't planning on saying that she was a former racer. She started to feel light headed as she felt her confidence starting to waver.

"And, she's hoping to show all of you what fun bike riding can be," Brandon said, a little worried if Kate was going to be able to get through this.
"In these boxes, I have bike helmets for you to use. We'll starting passing them out to you," Sally said and opened one of the boxes.

Brandon walked over to Sally and helped her pass out helmets. Kate walked over towards the white board. Her hand was shaking as she picked up the marker.

"Why did you stop racing?" a girl in the front row innocently asked.

Kate just stopped in her tracks. Brandon and Sally turned to look at her. She could feel tension in the room through the silence of waiting for her reply. She took another deep breath.

"I got hurt," Kate said, her voice shaking, "a car hit me while I was crossing the street. It damaged my knee to the point I couldn't race anymore."

Kate looked out across the room with all of the eyes staring back at her with curiosity. They were waiting for her to continue talking. She felt a little surge of confidence in the fact that no one was judging her. Her hand stopped shaking and she walked up to the white board and took the cover off of the red marker.

"First, I'd like to cover the rules of the road. If I'd paid a little more attention to them, I'd still be racing."

Brandon smiled and caught Kate's eye. She smiled and started drawing streets and signs on the board for the kids to see how to follow the rules. After about twenty minutes, she put the marker down on the tray.

"Do you guys have any questions?

Her question was met with murmurs and feet shuffling.

"O.K. Let's go ride."

They all went as a group through the community center and out onto the paved playground. There stood twenty bikes of all different colors.

"Each one of you can grab a bike," Kate said, "and make sure that your feet can reach the pedals."

The kids all ran to get a bike. Some of them got on and started riding right away.

"For those of you who feel comfortable riding already, follow Brandon and he'll take you on a short ride around the park across the street. Jeff and Mark will follow to make sure we keep track of everyone. Those who need additional help can stay here and Sally, Jane and I will get you going."

About fifteen of the kids went for the ride in the park. Five remained on the playground and Danny was one of them. Kate walked over to him as he sat on the bike that he picked out.

"So, why didn't you go with the riding group?" Kate asked.
"I didn't want to," Danny stated.
"Do you know how to ride a bike Danny?"
"You can't ride either!" Danny answered very defensively.
"I can't race anymore, but I can still ride. I can help you learn how to ride if you want me to."
"I can't be taught by a girl," he replied.
"Why not?"
"They're dumb, they don't know how to do it."
"Wanna bet?" Kate asked as she grabbed her bike from the rack and started to ride it around the playground.

She stopped her bike by Danny. He was looking down at the ground, kicking a rock by the front tire. After the other kids left, Kate spent the rest of the day teaching him how to ride a bike. It not only helped him to learn something new, it helped her to see that she still has a lot to give, even though she wasn't a champion racer anymore.

It is all about Kate - Chapter 5

She had now been away from racing for a year and spring was on it's way. Kate continued to go to the meetings and started to understand that her pride had been getting in the way of her moving on emotionally.

After one of the LGSC meetings, she talked to the community center director, Sally Turner, and she loved the idea of a learn to ride bike program for the kids. She had a list of kids from the local shelters that she would invite. Kate finally felt that she could offer something of herself to the kids, but it made her sad to think that she would only be able to talk about her racing as a has been.

Betty trained all winter for a race in March. She didn't want to get Kate off track from her process, but had invited her to help out at the race with tracking the progress of the riders. She knew that she was taking a chance with Kate's feelings, but it was good for Kate to get away and see everyone again. She found out how much the other racers missed her and showed her that she wasn't as far out of the racing world as she thought.

Brandon had been spending more time with Kate riding at the park and on day trips. She was feeling better about riding with him, and was finding that riding for leisure had its own element of fun.

"So, did they decide on a date for the event?"
"Yes, April 19th. Just a couple of weeks away!"
"I'm so glad that you chose to do it Kate. I think it will help you to give back and see that you have a lot to give. I'm excited to help out."
"I'm struggling with the fact that I can still give of myself with riding, when I'm not an active part of it."
"Well, you helped out at Betty's race last month," Brandon replied.
"That's different, but it made me feel a lot better about moving on. They have all been very supportive of me and have really helped out with the event."

On the day of the event the weather was perfect. Brandon rode with her to the community center. They had gotten twenty bikes from her bike sponsor for the event, and Sally had a list of the twenty lucky kids who would get to ride them. When they arrived at the center, there was an area filled with balloons and carnival games. A big colorful sign with Learn to Ride printed on it was attached to a large balloon arch serving as an gateway to the event area. They walked through the area in awe of what they were able to do for the kids. By the main door of the community center, there was a matching sign on a table with her bike sponsors logo on it and listed her name too.

"See Kate," Brandon said, pointing at the sign, "they still know who you are."

Kate smiled as Brandon gave her a hug. It was great to see all of this come together.

"Kate," Sally said as walked up to her with a clip board, "things are right on schedule. So glad that you are here."
"Everything looks great Sally. So much grander than I could have ever imagined."
"Well, with the contributions of the riding association and the extra energy and strength of the volunteers, we are able to do these great things. I think the kids will really love it."
"I wish we had more bikes," Kate said, "look at all of the kids."
"Well, they are here for the games and treats. The ones chosen for the Learn to Ride program will be the special ones this time. We'll just have to do it again to be able to let others experience that part."

Kate was just overwhelmed by the response to her idea for this program. She wondered if it would have turned out any different if she was still able to race.

It is all about Kate - Chapter 4

After her meltdown, Kate talked to her doctor about what she should do. He had suggested that she try this life changes group to be with others who have experienced a life changing event in their lives. Her doctor hoped it would help Kate accept the change and to get some practical advice from others on how they were found a way to move forward.

Trying not to be so stubborn, she was beginning to see a weakness in herself, it was pride. It was hard to admit that she had to start over and learn something new. She had worked her way to the top before, but she wasn't sure she could be a champion again. Brandon kept telling her it wasn't about being a champion, but Kate couldn't see it that way.

She pulled her bike up to the Manor City Community Center, locked it up to the bike rack, and went inside. Walking down the hallway, she saw that some other seminars were going on. Towards the end of the hallway, Kate saw an orange sign with yellow letters which read,

Dealing with Loss: A life changing event

Sponsored by Life Changes Support Group (LCSG)

She walked up to a older lady, sitting behind a laptop at the check in table. Her name tag said Shirley.

"I'm here for the seminar," Kate said.

"And you are?" Shirley asked.

"I'm Kate Connors."

"I see your name right here on the list," Shirley said as she made a couple of key strokes, "here's a folder with all of the course materials. Please feel free to take a seat anywhere you'll feel comfortable."

Kate smiled and took the folder into the room with her. This whole idea of seeking help was making her feel really weird inside. She saw that the room was about half full and took a seat in the middle. As she sat there looking out the window, more and more people came in until the entire room was full. It was making Kate feel better that she wasn't the only one dealing with a change.

A younger woman walked to the front of the room and set a folder on the desk. She wrote the name Ellen Turner on the white board. Then she turned on a power point projector and put up the first screen of her presentation. It was a statement which looked like it had been written with white chalk on a chalkboard.

"You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one."

"Hello," Ellen turned towards the group, "my name is Ellen Turner and I'm one of the police counselors at the Brooklyn Police Department. Life Changes Support Group (LCSG) started as just a group of mothers of police officers lost in the line of duty. When one of our founding members passed away, our new leader decided that our group could be of a bigger help to the community if we opened it up to other people who were also going through major life changes. Since we did, many of the people that come to our meetings are referred by doctors of athletes who have had career ending injuries."

Kate sat up in her seat. There were going to be people that she could relate to in this group after all.

"With this being the first meeting, I plan on doing most of the talking. You're not expected to say anything, the choice is yours. But talking about your pain will help to ease it, trust me."

Ellen walked over to the projector and moved her presentation to the next screen

"Most of you are here because you have suffered a loss, whether by death, accident or bad decision making. Loss is painful however it comes and can have very definite impacts on people's lives, to the point of being life changing. By looking around this room, you'll see that you aren't the only ones feeling the pain of a loss. It's a part of life that things will leave us and we'll have to make changes because of it."

Shirley came into the room and shut the door to the hallway.

"By opening up our group to many types of loss, we've been able to see that people going through the process of starting over is universal to many, details of what they are dealing with may be different. But everyone in this room has something to offer and can benefit from what others have been through. Please open your folders and take out the yellow packet."

It is all about Kate - Chapter 3

"Kate, if you would put as much effort into working through it as you do fighting it, you would be getting through the acceptance process like the wind," Betty said.
"Doesn't anyone understand that this is a big deal for me? I'm giving up my life here."
"Don't be so dramatic, Kate, your life isn't over."
"It sure feels like it."

She could have screamed when Betty told her that the transition out of racing could be painful. She didn't want to leave that world, but knew she had to. Change is not a quick and easy thing, but eventually it would lead to a happier outlook on things, at least she hoped it would. She couldn't continue to be this angry at life any more.

"Well, if you need anything let me know. I have to get over to Shannon's to pick up Tina from a birthday party for one of the neighbor girls."
"I probably won't need anything unless you can find me a new knee."

Betty shook her head as she let herself out of the condo. Kate went back to the couch and stared out the picture window at her view of the lake. She could feel the anger welling up inside of her. She finally stood up, picked up her glass from the table and threw it at the fireplace. As the pieces of glass were falling to the floor, she screamed at the top of her lungs and then fell to the floor in a heap.

The tears started to flow. Big, breath taking sobs were coming from her body. Her chest was heaving as she tried to catch her breath. She had finally broke down and let her anger start to run out through her tears. She laid on the floor curled up in the fetal position until she heard a knock on her door, which brought her back to reality. She looked around and wondered what she was doing on the floor.

"Kate? Are you O.K.? It is Brandon, let me in!"

Brandon was Kate's neighbor. He was a rider too, only back and forth to and from work, not racing. She had gone on a few rides with him, just for fun. After she regained some of her composure, she got her breath, dried her tears from her face, and answered the door.

"Are you ok?" He asked as she opened the door.
"Emotionally drained," Kate replied, as she sniffled.
"What happened?"
"I finally got mad enough about not being able to race anymore. Had a pretty good meltdown."
"You can still ride Kate," Brandon said, "maybe you can spend a little more time riding with me now."
"I'm built to compete, Brandon, not just ride around town."
"And you did great at racing. You don't think you were going to be able to do it forever, did you? You were blessed with six years of racing and being a champion for the last two. Be grateful for that."

She turned away and walked into her living room.She didn't want to give in to that being the end. She wanted to continue living in the world of being a champion. She now felt like she would have to start over and rebuild her life. She turned around and Brandon had followed her in.

"Kate, life hands everyone a hand to deal with. Some of the cards are challenges that we must overcome. You are one of the strongest people that I know. You'll be able to start over and become just as good at something else. Not everyone is built to come back. Some people just give up right now and never do anything. You want to show everyone that you are better than that. You can do this Kate. Don't let it beat you." 

"What am I supposed to do now? Racing is all I have known."
"How about going to college? Or, you have always wanted to create that kids biking program at the community center. Now would be the time to do it."
"My name won't be as well known anymore. How do I get the sponsorships? Who wants to meet a has been bike racer?"
"A lot of kids want to ride bikes. They'll think you are cool because you have raced and won some. Creating that program has nothing to do with you. It's about wanting to do it for them. You have to stop feeling so sorry for yourself, get off the sidelines, and start finding a new direction for your life."

Tale of Two Cities

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,…”

I’m currently reading The Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens. It is one of the classics which has been on my reading list for a while. All of my leisure reading of other works ultimately helps me in my writing.

When I curl up in my chair to read, one of the things I’m noticing is the very different writing style of the time. There are lots of descriptive words used throughout the text. It is Dickens style and was the way that things from that era were written, but it can make for a bit of a project to sift through all of them to get to the story line.

The story takes place during the French Revolution. It is really neat to let a story take you back to that time and read about how people lived. I'm about 120 pages in and very intrigued.

Another episode of my short story, It is all about Kate will be coming your way soon!

It is all about Kate - Chapter 2

Kate felt tears welling up in her eyes. She knew it hurt inside, but didn't want to admit that it was her fault that she couldn't compete anymore. She remembered how good it had felt to win, but she had gotten cocky about being that good of a rider and felt invincible. That everyone was making way for her to be a star. Then she was thrown from her bike when the car hit her. She woke up in the hospital with a big cast on her knee.

The surgery repaired ligament and cartilage damage. Doctors reported that she ruptured both collateral and cruciate ligaments, and tore the meniscus.

They said said her knee would never be the same.

After getting back to the condo and putting her bike away, she went to find her daily meditation book. It had little sayings for each day, words to live by. She really needed some reassurance that she was going to be o.k. because she didn't feel that way. She felt out of control and had no idea what she was going to do if she couldn't race again. She had put everything else in her life on hold to train and become as good as she was. She gave up friends in high school and never actually picked a college to go to, since she had all of the endorsements supporting her financially. Giving up racing, something that has been a big part of her life, would be a big life change. New habits would have to be made to acclimate to what her life would be like now. She was feeling overwhelmed and needed some words of wisdom.

Kate looked at her little book full of inspiration, which looked very new, from the lack of use. She had gotten it as a gift from Betty for her 21st birthday. Today's was a quote from Thomas Edison

"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up,

The most certain way to succeed is to try just one more time."

That wasn't what she was looking for. She knew that she had to give it up. She couldn't ride competitively anymore. As she was getting ready to throw the book across the room, there was a knock on the door. Kate got up off of the couch to answer it. It was Betty. She had met her when she was 16 and started competitive riding. Betty had become like a second Mom, with Kate's passing away when she was 18.She didn't feel like much of a winner now, had she let her down too?

"I'm here if you need me," Betty said.

"I need someone to help me deal with the loss and feel better."  

"Life's a journey that we don't get to live all in one day. Each person's journey is personal and unique to them. The process may feel confusing and you may not be able to fully understand what's happening right now. That's when we need to let go and have faith it will all work out for the best."

"Easy for you to say, you can still ride competitively if you want to. I'll never be able to do it again."

"That's your anger speaking Kate. You'll find a new thing to do."

"Not that I'll have a passion for, like racing."