Thoughts about the holidays

Happy Holidays 2014! 

Hope that everyone had a great time with family and friends this holiday season. We have enjoyed all of the things we have been able to do with family and friends and the gifts we have given and received.

I'm sitting at the dining room table gazing at our Christmas tree. Looking at the lights and each ornament, remembering its significance to our family. One happens to catch my eye; two pair of boots, one for a Dad and one for his son. It commemorates Sam's first year hunting with the boys in 2013. Many airplane ornaments hang on our tree showing that Sam and I are pilots. And the favorite dog ornaments with pictures of Molly commemorating each year she has been with us.

As a kid, it was so hard to wait for the holidays to come. From winter break, to seeing what Santa had for us and being able to stay up until midnight to ring in the New Year. Now as adults, we put in the work our parents did for us, picking out the gifts, writing out the cards, setting up the tree, and visiting friends and family. As I have grown up, the meaning of the holidays has changed, from the one who just experiences it to the one who creates the experience.

It's an honor to create the holiday experience for those we love. Playing Santa and staying up late to build a bike, even though the instructions are as clear as mud. Standing in line for hours at the toy store to get that specific toy that will make Christmas just right. Baking the goodies for all of the dinners, school and work activities. I smile a lot when I'm wrapping gifts and putting each one under our tree. Anticipating how happy they will be when we unwrap them the next day.

With all of the good things the holidays bring, sometimes I wonder why I'm so relieved when they are over. Part of it is all of the work that goes into it, but I enjoy seeing how the hard work pays off. The smiling faces of family and friends with what they have received from us or how our meals or desserts turned out. Another part of it is giving the time to write out cards, decorate the tree, put lights on the house. All things I really enjoy doing.

Sometimes putting this experience together takes away the time we get for ourselves to relax and get other projects done. But, during the holidays, a lot of projects go on hold. On the other hand, the holidays can also be a motivator to get some of those procrastinated projects done before having family and friends over to celebrate. So, I still don't really know why I can feel relieved that they are over when I enjoy them so much.

Other people in my life have had different experiences that have affected me this year. My Uncle suffered a mild stroke. He was in the hospital for a couple of days and is now at home working with a physical therapist to get his strength back. One of our neighbors had a massive stroke and passed away on Christmas Eve. A childhood friend's Dad passed away this past fall. I consider my family very fortunate that my Uncle will be o.k. I think a lot about the children of our neighbor and my childhood friend. It will be a very different experience for them celebrate Christmas without a parent this year, just like it has been for me the last six years.

After the holidays in Minnesota, it turns into at least three months of winter and either being huddled inside catching up on indoor projects or enjoying an outdoor winter sport. It becomes a great time for me to research and write, for Sam to go ice fishing, and for the kids to go snowboarding. For others, it will be dealing with a loss and accepting how different it feels to be without them. Our loved ones will always be with us in spirit, but it isn't the same as it was when they were here. So, when I start to wonder why I feel relieved that the holidays are over, I'm reminded that those feelings are important to me, but are not a big deal compared to what others have to deal with. Be grateful for what you have during the holidays and always.

It is all about Kate - Chapter 6

"You don't need to focus on being a has been Kate. You just need to give them the great person that you are," Brandon said as they walked into the community center with the riding club volunteers who were helping with the program. After everyone was settled in the classroom, Sally nodded as she left, a signal for Kate to start.

"Hello, my name is Kate Connors. I'm going to help you Learn to Ride today. How many of you have never been on a bike before?"

A few kids in the room raised their hands. 

"You've never been on a bike before?" One of the boys asked, "that's just dumb."

"What's your name?"

"Danny."

"Why do you think it's dumb that they haven't been on a bike before?"

"Everyone has been on a bike before."

"Well, some of these kids haven't and that's o.k."

"Danny, let's not disrupt the class," Sally said as she came back in and placed a cardboard box on the table in the front of the room.

The kids started laughing because Danny was getting into trouble. Kate took a deep breath and continued.

"Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I grew up here in Manor City and I'm a former bike racing champion."

She paused. She wasn't planning on saying that she was a former racer. She started to feel light headed as she felt her confidence starting to waver.

"And, she's hoping to show all of you what fun bike riding can be," Brandon said, a little worried if Kate was going to be able to get through this.
"In these boxes, I have bike helmets for you to use. We'll starting passing them out to you," Sally said and opened one of the boxes.

Brandon walked over to Sally and helped her pass out helmets. Kate walked over towards the white board. Her hand was shaking as she picked up the marker.

"Why did you stop racing?" a girl in the front row innocently asked.

Kate just stopped in her tracks. Brandon and Sally turned to look at her. She could feel tension in the room through the silence of waiting for her reply. She took another deep breath.

"I got hurt," Kate said, her voice shaking, "a car hit me while I was crossing the street. It damaged my knee to the point I couldn't race anymore."

Kate looked out across the room with all of the eyes staring back at her with curiosity. They were waiting for her to continue talking. She felt a little surge of confidence in the fact that no one was judging her. Her hand stopped shaking and she walked up to the white board and took the cover off of the red marker.

"First, I'd like to cover the rules of the road. If I'd paid a little more attention to them, I'd still be racing."

Brandon smiled and caught Kate's eye. She smiled and started drawing streets and signs on the board for the kids to see how to follow the rules. After about twenty minutes, she put the marker down on the tray.

"Do you guys have any questions?

Her question was met with murmurs and feet shuffling.

"O.K. Let's go ride."

They all went as a group through the community center and out onto the paved playground. There stood twenty bikes of all different colors.

"Each one of you can grab a bike," Kate said, "and make sure that your feet can reach the pedals."

The kids all ran to get a bike. Some of them got on and started riding right away.

"For those of you who feel comfortable riding already, follow Brandon and he'll take you on a short ride around the park across the street. Jeff and Mark will follow to make sure we keep track of everyone. Those who need additional help can stay here and Sally, Jane and I will get you going."

About fifteen of the kids went for the ride in the park. Five remained on the playground and Danny was one of them. Kate walked over to him as he sat on the bike that he picked out.

"So, why didn't you go with the riding group?" Kate asked.
"I didn't want to," Danny stated.
"Do you know how to ride a bike Danny?"
"You can't ride either!" Danny answered very defensively.
"I can't race anymore, but I can still ride. I can help you learn how to ride if you want me to."
"I can't be taught by a girl," he replied.
"Why not?"
"They're dumb, they don't know how to do it."
"Wanna bet?" Kate asked as she grabbed her bike from the rack and started to ride it around the playground.

She stopped her bike by Danny. He was looking down at the ground, kicking a rock by the front tire. After the other kids left, Kate spent the rest of the day teaching him how to ride a bike. It not only helped him to learn something new, it helped her to see that she still has a lot to give, even though she wasn't a champion racer anymore.

It is all about Kate - Chapter 5

She had now been away from racing for a year and spring was on it's way. Kate continued to go to the meetings and started to understand that her pride had been getting in the way of her moving on emotionally.

After one of the LGSC meetings, she talked to the community center director, Sally Turner, and she loved the idea of a learn to ride bike program for the kids. She had a list of kids from the local shelters that she would invite. Kate finally felt that she could offer something of herself to the kids, but it made her sad to think that she would only be able to talk about her racing as a has been.

Betty trained all winter for a race in March. She didn't want to get Kate off track from her process, but had invited her to help out at the race with tracking the progress of the riders. She knew that she was taking a chance with Kate's feelings, but it was good for Kate to get away and see everyone again. She found out how much the other racers missed her and showed her that she wasn't as far out of the racing world as she thought.

Brandon had been spending more time with Kate riding at the park and on day trips. She was feeling better about riding with him, and was finding that riding for leisure had its own element of fun.

"So, did they decide on a date for the event?"
"Yes, April 19th. Just a couple of weeks away!"
"I'm so glad that you chose to do it Kate. I think it will help you to give back and see that you have a lot to give. I'm excited to help out."
"I'm struggling with the fact that I can still give of myself with riding, when I'm not an active part of it."
"Well, you helped out at Betty's race last month," Brandon replied.
"That's different, but it made me feel a lot better about moving on. They have all been very supportive of me and have really helped out with the event."

On the day of the event the weather was perfect. Brandon rode with her to the community center. They had gotten twenty bikes from her bike sponsor for the event, and Sally had a list of the twenty lucky kids who would get to ride them. When they arrived at the center, there was an area filled with balloons and carnival games. A big colorful sign with Learn to Ride printed on it was attached to a large balloon arch serving as an gateway to the event area. They walked through the area in awe of what they were able to do for the kids. By the main door of the community center, there was a matching sign on a table with her bike sponsors logo on it and listed her name too.

"See Kate," Brandon said, pointing at the sign, "they still know who you are."

Kate smiled as Brandon gave her a hug. It was great to see all of this come together.

"Kate," Sally said as walked up to her with a clip board, "things are right on schedule. So glad that you are here."
"Everything looks great Sally. So much grander than I could have ever imagined."
"Well, with the contributions of the riding association and the extra energy and strength of the volunteers, we are able to do these great things. I think the kids will really love it."
"I wish we had more bikes," Kate said, "look at all of the kids."
"Well, they are here for the games and treats. The ones chosen for the Learn to Ride program will be the special ones this time. We'll just have to do it again to be able to let others experience that part."

Kate was just overwhelmed by the response to her idea for this program. She wondered if it would have turned out any different if she was still able to race.

It is all about Kate - Chapter 4

After her meltdown, Kate talked to her doctor about what she should do. He had suggested that she try this life changes group to be with others who have experienced a life changing event in their lives. Her doctor hoped it would help Kate accept the change and to get some practical advice from others on how they were found a way to move forward.

Trying not to be so stubborn, she was beginning to see a weakness in herself, it was pride. It was hard to admit that she had to start over and learn something new. She had worked her way to the top before, but she wasn't sure she could be a champion again. Brandon kept telling her it wasn't about being a champion, but Kate couldn't see it that way.

She pulled her bike up to the Manor City Community Center, locked it up to the bike rack, and went inside. Walking down the hallway, she saw that some other seminars were going on. Towards the end of the hallway, Kate saw an orange sign with yellow letters which read,

Dealing with Loss: A life changing event

Sponsored by Life Changes Support Group (LCSG)

She walked up to a older lady, sitting behind a laptop at the check in table. Her name tag said Shirley.

"I'm here for the seminar," Kate said.

"And you are?" Shirley asked.

"I'm Kate Connors."

"I see your name right here on the list," Shirley said as she made a couple of key strokes, "here's a folder with all of the course materials. Please feel free to take a seat anywhere you'll feel comfortable."

Kate smiled and took the folder into the room with her. This whole idea of seeking help was making her feel really weird inside. She saw that the room was about half full and took a seat in the middle. As she sat there looking out the window, more and more people came in until the entire room was full. It was making Kate feel better that she wasn't the only one dealing with a change.

A younger woman walked to the front of the room and set a folder on the desk. She wrote the name Ellen Turner on the white board. Then she turned on a power point projector and put up the first screen of her presentation. It was a statement which looked like it had been written with white chalk on a chalkboard.

"You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one."

"Hello," Ellen turned towards the group, "my name is Ellen Turner and I'm one of the police counselors at the Brooklyn Police Department. Life Changes Support Group (LCSG) started as just a group of mothers of police officers lost in the line of duty. When one of our founding members passed away, our new leader decided that our group could be of a bigger help to the community if we opened it up to other people who were also going through major life changes. Since we did, many of the people that come to our meetings are referred by doctors of athletes who have had career ending injuries."

Kate sat up in her seat. There were going to be people that she could relate to in this group after all.

"With this being the first meeting, I plan on doing most of the talking. You're not expected to say anything, the choice is yours. But talking about your pain will help to ease it, trust me."

Ellen walked over to the projector and moved her presentation to the next screen

"Most of you are here because you have suffered a loss, whether by death, accident or bad decision making. Loss is painful however it comes and can have very definite impacts on people's lives, to the point of being life changing. By looking around this room, you'll see that you aren't the only ones feeling the pain of a loss. It's a part of life that things will leave us and we'll have to make changes because of it."

Shirley came into the room and shut the door to the hallway.

"By opening up our group to many types of loss, we've been able to see that people going through the process of starting over is universal to many, details of what they are dealing with may be different. But everyone in this room has something to offer and can benefit from what others have been through. Please open your folders and take out the yellow packet."

It is all about Kate - Chapter 3

"Kate, if you would put as much effort into working through it as you do fighting it, you would be getting through the acceptance process like the wind," Betty said.
"Doesn't anyone understand that this is a big deal for me? I'm giving up my life here."
"Don't be so dramatic, Kate, your life isn't over."
"It sure feels like it."

She could have screamed when Betty told her that the transition out of racing could be painful. She didn't want to leave that world, but knew she had to. Change is not a quick and easy thing, but eventually it would lead to a happier outlook on things, at least she hoped it would. She couldn't continue to be this angry at life any more.

"Well, if you need anything let me know. I have to get over to Shannon's to pick up Tina from a birthday party for one of the neighbor girls."
"I probably won't need anything unless you can find me a new knee."

Betty shook her head as she let herself out of the condo. Kate went back to the couch and stared out the picture window at her view of the lake. She could feel the anger welling up inside of her. She finally stood up, picked up her glass from the table and threw it at the fireplace. As the pieces of glass were falling to the floor, she screamed at the top of her lungs and then fell to the floor in a heap.

The tears started to flow. Big, breath taking sobs were coming from her body. Her chest was heaving as she tried to catch her breath. She had finally broke down and let her anger start to run out through her tears. She laid on the floor curled up in the fetal position until she heard a knock on her door, which brought her back to reality. She looked around and wondered what she was doing on the floor.

"Kate? Are you O.K.? It is Brandon, let me in!"

Brandon was Kate's neighbor. He was a rider too, only back and forth to and from work, not racing. She had gone on a few rides with him, just for fun. After she regained some of her composure, she got her breath, dried her tears from her face, and answered the door.

"Are you ok?" He asked as she opened the door.
"Emotionally drained," Kate replied, as she sniffled.
"What happened?"
"I finally got mad enough about not being able to race anymore. Had a pretty good meltdown."
"You can still ride Kate," Brandon said, "maybe you can spend a little more time riding with me now."
"I'm built to compete, Brandon, not just ride around town."
"And you did great at racing. You don't think you were going to be able to do it forever, did you? You were blessed with six years of racing and being a champion for the last two. Be grateful for that."

She turned away and walked into her living room.She didn't want to give in to that being the end. She wanted to continue living in the world of being a champion. She now felt like she would have to start over and rebuild her life. She turned around and Brandon had followed her in.

"Kate, life hands everyone a hand to deal with. Some of the cards are challenges that we must overcome. You are one of the strongest people that I know. You'll be able to start over and become just as good at something else. Not everyone is built to come back. Some people just give up right now and never do anything. You want to show everyone that you are better than that. You can do this Kate. Don't let it beat you." 

"What am I supposed to do now? Racing is all I have known."
"How about going to college? Or, you have always wanted to create that kids biking program at the community center. Now would be the time to do it."
"My name won't be as well known anymore. How do I get the sponsorships? Who wants to meet a has been bike racer?"
"A lot of kids want to ride bikes. They'll think you are cool because you have raced and won some. Creating that program has nothing to do with you. It's about wanting to do it for them. You have to stop feeling so sorry for yourself, get off the sidelines, and start finding a new direction for your life."

Tale of Two Cities

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,…”

I’m currently reading The Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens. It is one of the classics which has been on my reading list for a while. All of my leisure reading of other works ultimately helps me in my writing.

When I curl up in my chair to read, one of the things I’m noticing is the very different writing style of the time. There are lots of descriptive words used throughout the text. It is Dickens style and was the way that things from that era were written, but it can make for a bit of a project to sift through all of them to get to the story line.

The story takes place during the French Revolution. It is really neat to let a story take you back to that time and read about how people lived. I'm about 120 pages in and very intrigued.

Another episode of my short story, It is all about Kate will be coming your way soon!

It is all about Kate - Chapter 2

Kate felt tears welling up in her eyes. She knew it hurt inside, but didn't want to admit that it was her fault that she couldn't compete anymore. She remembered how good it had felt to win, but she had gotten cocky about being that good of a rider and felt invincible. That everyone was making way for her to be a star. Then she was thrown from her bike when the car hit her. She woke up in the hospital with a big cast on her knee.

The surgery repaired ligament and cartilage damage. Doctors reported that she ruptured both collateral and cruciate ligaments, and tore the meniscus.

They said said her knee would never be the same.

After getting back to the condo and putting her bike away, she went to find her daily meditation book. It had little sayings for each day, words to live by. She really needed some reassurance that she was going to be o.k. because she didn't feel that way. She felt out of control and had no idea what she was going to do if she couldn't race again. She had put everything else in her life on hold to train and become as good as she was. She gave up friends in high school and never actually picked a college to go to, since she had all of the endorsements supporting her financially. Giving up racing, something that has been a big part of her life, would be a big life change. New habits would have to be made to acclimate to what her life would be like now. She was feeling overwhelmed and needed some words of wisdom.

Kate looked at her little book full of inspiration, which looked very new, from the lack of use. She had gotten it as a gift from Betty for her 21st birthday. Today's was a quote from Thomas Edison

"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up,

The most certain way to succeed is to try just one more time."

That wasn't what she was looking for. She knew that she had to give it up. She couldn't ride competitively anymore. As she was getting ready to throw the book across the room, there was a knock on the door. Kate got up off of the couch to answer it. It was Betty. She had met her when she was 16 and started competitive riding. Betty had become like a second Mom, with Kate's passing away when she was 18.She didn't feel like much of a winner now, had she let her down too?

"I'm here if you need me," Betty said.

"I need someone to help me deal with the loss and feel better."  

"Life's a journey that we don't get to live all in one day. Each person's journey is personal and unique to them. The process may feel confusing and you may not be able to fully understand what's happening right now. That's when we need to let go and have faith it will all work out for the best."

"Easy for you to say, you can still ride competitively if you want to. I'll never be able to do it again."

"That's your anger speaking Kate. You'll find a new thing to do."

"Not that I'll have a passion for, like racing."

It is all about Kate - Chapter 1

It’s like walking through a maze in the dark. Banging your head against the walls for not knowing any better or where you are going.

Kate Connors had tried to write her feelings down in her journal. It’s what her doctor had told her to do, after she refused to talk to him about what was bothering her. Her coach had agreed with the plan and wanted to meet once a week to check her progress since she insisted on trying to do it on her own.  

They met at the same place at Bellview Park to chat every week. It was a common meeting place for them while Kate was training for her races. They used to ride together on the paths around the lake and stop at this table to have water and talk. She leaned her bike against the picnic table and sat down on her normal side of the table. The sound of splashing water and children's voices filled the normal quiet of the park. She watched them play by the lake. As her coach approached, she saw one of the girls get pushed into the water. The other kids laughed as she pulled herself up from the water. Her dress was soaked and her braids just hung limp on each side of her head, wet with lake water. She shook herself off and started to laugh along with the other kids. As Kate watched the girl, she saw a little of herself, who she used to be before the accident.

"Kids will be kids, won't they?" her coach Betty Mainfard observed.
"Yes, they will. Somethings just don't change between generations. It wasn't that long ago that would happen to the kids I grew up with."
"How are things coming with the project?" Betty asked, pointing to the green notebook that Kate had sitting on the picnic table.
"Not as good as I’d like. Wish I could push through the barriers faster."
"Takes time to undo what years of a habit have done. Any really rough patches?"
"A couple."
"Tears and weird feelings come with it?"
"On one of the main threads, but not on the others. I think the others may be tangents from dealing with the main one."
"Very well could be, but that is also part of the process. Can't just stay on the painful thread. Won't make a lot of progress that way. It’ll just turn into obsession and beating yourself over what’s a shortcoming in you. It’s not good to dwell, it’s probably time to accept what happened and learn how to deal with it."

Kate knew she was right. She had been stuck at that point in her journal for a while. It was pushing her backwards in her progress towards bringing herself to a happier place.

“Maybe, it’s just a hard thing to swallow. I may never be able to get past this.”

“Without help it’s going to be harder. Kate, there are people out there who understand what you have been through.”

“They don’t understand me, Betty.”

“I think they do. You just want to hold on to the pain and try to power through it. It’s OK to accept it.”

“See, you don’t even understand me. If you did, you would know why I can’t accept this.”

“You are way too hard on yourself Kate, that’s why.”

“Had I been able to stop it before it happened, then I wouldn’t have to deal with it now.”

“That is a pretty big what if. It would have taken a pretty physically strong person to stop that car from hitting you.”

“If I would have stopped for the stop sign instead of sailing right through it.”

“Then what? You would still be able to race. At least you can still ride.”

“That’s not enough for me, Betty.”

“It’s going to have to be. Doctors say that parts of your knee cannot be repaired enough to ride competitively any more. At least you are still walking.”

“That’s just great,” Kate replied.

“Some people just wish that they were able to do that. How things turned out for you is something you need to be grateful for and not angry about.”

Kate got up from the table abruptly, picked up her bike, and rode away back towards the condo. Betty knew that she needed to be alone for a bit. She was starting to touch on what she was so upset about.

A Writer's Life - 11/10/14

As I think about how much I love my writing and what kind of dedication of time and effort it takes to do it, I wonder how I have been able to write an entire manuscript for a novel, have a family and a demanding full time job.

My passion for telling a story is my motivation to get it done. I have been using a planner to put my writing goals in and checking them off as I get them done. It is very helpful to see the progress being made when I am in the middle of the bigger and more time consuming projects like self editing. Last month, I've had my book club read a draft and this past weekend, I've worked through another draft of The Hard Way. This version has integrated some of the thoughts that our members mentioned to make my manuscript better.

I know that editing is a necessary part of the journey to getting my novel published. It is truly a labor of love to make it better by rewriting and cutting sections out of the story. Some of the parts you really like, but are not necessary for relating the story the characters are trying to tell.

The current goal is to get these edits into the computer version of my manuscript this week to create draft version number seven. At the end, all of this hard work will move me one step closer to my goal of seeing it in print.

It has been a while

Sorry I have been out of touch for a bit. I've been getting my novel The Hard Way ready for my book club to read this Saturday. I'm excited to hear their feedback about the manuscript. I went back and forth about whether I should have had it read as a club selection, but what better way to get feedback, positive or negative. It will hopefully help me when I start sending it to editors.

Mrs. Stockton is going to make her return next week in another series of short chapters of another short story. Be sure to keep an eye out for it!

Selma's Story Time - 8/13/14

She made a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup for dinner and kept thinking about whether she should do it or not.

Should I do it and find out something bad.

Should I not do it and wonder for the rest of her life.

Should I do it and get the answer that she wants and put the thing to bed once and for all.

Curiosity got the better of her in the end. After cleaning up the dinner dishes, she grabbed her after dinner tea and sat down at the computer. She started typing but decided to keep the e-mail short and to the point.

Dear Jerry Givings,

I am the Mother of the police officer you are now serving time in prison for killing. I know a lot of time has passed since it all happened. I have struggled to deal with the loss of my son ever since that day. He was a husband and a new Dad. He had a lot of good things happening in his life when you made the decision to kill him. Because of what you did, his son never knew his Dad except for pictures and stories that we have shared with him. 

The reason why I am writing this is to ask you one question. Are you sorry for what you did to my family that day? That's what I want to know so I can maybe start my healing process.

I would appreciate a reply to this e-mail but understand if you are unable to.

Ed said that her email address would be hidden from him and not to sign it, to keep the process more anonymous. But she all but gave him her name in what she wrote, he will know who it is from. She read through it a couple more times before she hit send. When 'your message has been sent' appeared on the screen she wanted the email back. She didn't want to stir up the feelings with him. She was scared of the answer and hearing from him. Keeping this line of communication open with him made her nervous, but now all she could do was wait and see.

**********

It was the anniversary of Marty's death. Mrs. Stockton would bring flowers and spend a little time with her son today as she has done on October 12th every year since it happened. 

After breakfast, she took the rest of her tea to the computer to check her e-mail messages. She had two new messages. One was from her son David, just letting her know he was thinking of Marty today. Then she saw one from an address that didn't look familiar. It was a little bit scrambled. She had heard somethings from Shelby about not opening unfamiliar e-mails as they could have viruses in them that would damage the computer's hard drive. She was about to delete it when she saw the word prison in the subject line. It may be an e-mail from Jerry Givings. She double clicked on the message and started to read

THIS MESSAGE IS FROM A PRISON INMATE AT TRESSMAN/NEWMAN. IT IS IN RESPONSE TO AN E-MAIL SENT FROM THIS ADDRESS. IF YOU KNOW OF NO ONE FROM THIS PRISON, PLEASE DELETE THIS E-MAIL.

There was an envelope on the the center of the screen. Mrs. Stockton clicked on it and the following message appeared.

Dear Ma'am,

I received your e-mail a couple of weeks ago. I had some time to think about things and finally got some computer time to be able to respond.

I was just a punk kid that had no idea what consequences were. I know that is a bad excuse for what I did, but it was the only reason I really have. I didn't want to get caught with the drugs and thought I could get away if I shot your son. Obviously I was wrong.

I will be spending my life in prison paying for what I did. I think about that day and what I did everyday that I am in here. That is the hardest part. I could have been out many years ago if I was just caught for possession of drugs. If I had only known then what I know now.

I am sorry for what I did to your family and his son. He should have never had to grow up without his Dad. I hope that my response helps you to start healing.

She didn't know how to feel. She got the answer that she wanted. She felt relieved but was also saddened by the fact that he would be in jail for the rest of his life because of it. 

Upon arriving at the cemetery, she walked over to his grave and put the flowers in the vase. Kneeling down by his headstone she started talking,

"I got an e-mail from Jerry Givings today, Marty. He's sorry for what he did. I don't know if I will be able to forgive him, but at least I know that he didn't do it to take you away from me. I needed to know that so I can start to heal. I miss you every day Martin Stockton and I love you more than you will ever know."

She went on to share the current family news with him and enjoyed being with her son's spirit, more at peace with things than she had ever been before.

Selma's Story Time - 8/12/14

After Ellen left, Mrs. Stockton felt they just scratched the surface of getting an e-mail sent to Jerry Givings. She was hoping that she was going to have it done before Ellen left. Why did this have to turn into a project? Well, she thought, if it was going to help her feel better about things, it might be worth the time and effort to do it now.

A cup of tea and a pad of paper would be needed, so she started making tea and found a notebook and pen. Ellen said to start jotting down ideas, doing it how and where she was the most comfortable. She looked out the kitchen window and saw Oxford out in the Tinker's backyard. Maybe the porch would be a good place. With her tea in hand, she walked out there and settled in on the couch. After sliding her feet under her, she picked up the notebook and pen and started writing.

Dear Jerry Givings,

I am the Mother of the police officer you killed. I needed to write to you with a few questions I have.

Then she started to get mad at Walter again. Why wouldn't he let her talk to him? With one shot, he had taken her son away from her. Didn't she deserve a chance to yell at him? She wondered where she would be now if she had dealt with this back then. The question that she really wanted to ask was if he was sorry for what he did. He has had to face it everyday in prison since it happened just like she has in her own home. She decided to try writing again.

Dear Jerry Givings,

I am the Mother of the police officer you killed. I have been wondering, are you sorry for killing my son? I would have asked you at the time, but my family didn't want the answer. Or, knew what the answer was and didn't tell me. I would like to forgive you for what you have done so I can move on, but I don't think I can. What you did was too much to be forgiven for. I have to forgive my husband for not letting me tell you how I felt before you went to prison. I think that is information you really needed to have then. Maybe you could be sorry now, if you aren't already.

Mrs. Stockton stopped writing. That was the real issue. She would have liked to call him names and tell him that what he did was terrible and he needed to make it all better. She just realized that he wouldn't have been able to make it better. He couldn't bring Marty back. That's what she needed to accept so she could move on.

She decided to call Ellen and let her know what she came up with. Ellen answered the phone on the second ring.

"Am I interrupting anything?" Mrs. Stockton asked.
"No, I was making some notes for a session I have tomorrow. How are you doing?"
"I have come across some ideas of why I am so upset."
"What are they?"
"I wanted to yell and scream at him to make him sorry for what he did and have him fix it. He wouldn't have been able to to that."

"No, he wouldn't have been able to bring Marty back."

"I think in my own head, I needed to know I at least tried to get him back and I needed to tell Jerry how much it hurt me. Once I wrote it down on paper it started to make sense to me."
"When it's our own problem, it is always a bigger deal in our head than it may be on paper or outside ourselves. That's why talking to other people helps sort things out and put them in a different perspective."
"So, if I would have talked to someone sooner, I could have known this a while ago and not gone through all of this pain."
"We don't know that for sure. Some of the healing process takes time. And, you may not have been ready to start healing then. Your process might have had to take longer."
"So, what do we do now?"
"Do you feel the need to send him an e-mail? Or do you think you can accept that and move on, once you forgive Walter for not letting you cope the way you needed to?"
"I can accept that he thought he was doing what was right for him, but was a little shortsighted when it came to how I felt. I don't think I need the answer from Jerry now as much as I am curious if he would give me one. Maybe he's sorry after all of this time."
"So are you going to ask him?"

"I'll have to think about it and let you know."

Selma's Story Time - 8/11/14

She had gotten some sleep, but her mind kept racing. This felt like the right thing to do, but she wasn't sure what the feelings trapped inside were going to do when they came out.

A couple of months ago, Shelby took her Grandma to The Neighborhood Perk, a coffee shop on campus where she frequently studied. The coffee there tasted better than Mrs. Stockton's day to day coffee, so she picked up a bag to have when guests came over. She started the brewing the coffee to have with Ellen. 

 

As she placed Marty's scrapbook on the table in the living room, the door bell rang. Taking a deep breath, she straightened her blouse and went to answer the door.

 

"Hello Shirley," said Ellen.
"Ellen, it is so good to see you," Mrs. Stockton said, "please come in."

 

Ellen came into the entryway and Mrs. Stockton shut the door behind her. Ellen set her purse down on the table by the door, and reached over and gave Mrs. Stockton a hug. The embrace was comforting for both women.

 

"I thought that we would get started in the dining room with our coffee and bakery treats and then move into the living room depending on how things were going," Mrs. Stockton said as she led Ellen towards the dining room.
"Just let yourself do what you need to do Shirley," Ellen replied, "I'm just here to listen and I want you to be comfortable while you share your feelings."
"O.k.," she replied.

 

They started by talking about what Ellen's kids were up to and what Mrs. Stockton's grandkids were up to, which helped Mrs. Stockton feel more at ease. She felt a little bit strange about starting to share her feelings about communicating with Jerry Givings.

 

"When do we start talking about how I feel about talking to him?" Mrs. Stockton asked with a very anxious tone to her voice.
"Whenever you are ready to," Ellen responded calmly to help calm her.
"I've never done this before," Mrs. Stockton said, "I didn't know if there was a right way to proceed."
"There's no set way to do it. Each session is different."

 

Mrs. Stockton took a sip of coffee and a deep breath before she started speaking.

 

"Well, Ed has given me a way to communicate with Jerry Givings, the one who shot Marty."
"What do you want to know from him?" Ellen asked.
"If he's sorry for the pain he has caused me and my family."
"What do you think he'll say?"
"Deep down I think I know."
"What?"
"That he doesn't really care about what he did."
"Will you accept that answer? Or do you want it to be something else?"
"It may be hard, but I will have to accept it. I want him to tell me that he didn't mean to do it so I can forgive him and move on."
"You may have to forgive him, but you don't have to forget what he did."
"Then it will still be on my mind. How do I move past it then?"
"You have to stop making it such a focus in your life."
"I'm reminded every time the news says another cop has been shot."
"The moving on process doesn't mean you will never think about it again. It just means that you know how to manage it."

 

Taking another sip of coffee, she followed with exaggerated deep breath.

 

"Are you o.k?" Ellen asked.
"I'm feeling a wave of emotions swelling up in me."
"What's causing it?" Ellen asked, "Just let it out, whatever it is. You are in a safe place and I am here."
"I'm angry at Walter," she blurted out.
"Why are you angry at him?"
"He wouldn't let me talk to someone about how I felt. He wouldn't let me get mad at Jerry Givings."
"Why didn't he want you to talk to someone?"
"He didn't want anyone else in our affairs. He didn't want anyone outside of our family to know that we were hurting. He wanted us to appear as a strong family and not weak."
"Why didn't you talk to someone in your family? Share with them how you were feeling?"
"They didn't understand. They didn't just lose a son. And I couldn't go against my husband's wishes and talk to someone anyway."
"So, what did you do to deal with the feelings you were having?"
"I didn't know what to do with them. I just stuffed them deep down inside and tried to forget about it. But, I couldn't forget about Marty."
"There's nothing wrong with how you handled it. You did what you did with the information you had at the time. And, you are angry about it because you felt held back from what you wanted to do."

"How do I fix it now?"
"You have to forgive yourself for not talking to someone about it then. You are talking to someone now and that's a great first step."
"Where do I go from here?"
"What I would like you to do is sit down and write the e-mail to Jerry. Don't send it, but just write what you want to say to him. This letter doesn't have to be well written. It just needs to get all of those feelings out so we can look at them. Think of it like writing in a personal journal."
"What will I do with that?" she said, doubting that this was the right thing to do.
"I'm hoping that you will be able to share what you write with me. Then we can talk about it and make a plan for what our next step should be."
"When do I have to have this ready by?"
"There is no deadline. Take your time and call me when you are ready to share. I wouldn't stretch it out for very long though. We have started to touch on somethings already that are on your mind. Once they start to flow, it's good to just let the walls break down and start the journey to heal."
"This idea kind of scares me."
"Getting the feelings out can be a hard thing to do. But just let them come out. I'll be a phone call away if this becomes too overwhelming for you."

 

They both got up from the dining room table. Mrs. Stockton walked her to the door, knowing that this first step was hard. The second step on this journey may be even harder.

Selma's Story Time - 8/8/14

Sleep was hard to come by because she had way too much on her mind. The pain she felt over the years for the loss of her son has been so hard to bear. Being so stoic and not expressing how she felt because it was the right thing to do in Walter's eyes. She held all of her feelings inside and tried to deal with them, but didn't know what to really do with them. Now every time she saw a shooting on the news, she relived the anger and the pain she felt when it happened. To bring peace to her state of mind, she knew she would have to forgive him. She didn't think that she could do that. His actions that day hurt her to the core. 

Just as the sun was coming up outside, she got up and had breakfast. The more she thought about making contact with him, the harder it was to express her feelings in a logical way. She tried to sit down at the computer and type the message, but it kept coming up as a jumbled mess of feelings. It was becoming clear that she wasn't ready to write him an e-mail. She decided to call Ed before lunch to talk to him about what she should do.

"Shirley," Ed answered, "how are you today?"

"Not so good. I'm not ready to talk to him yet. I have way too many feelings inside that need to come out before I do."

"This reaction is normal. What you want to do is not easy, but I know of someone you can talk to," Ed replied, "her name is Ellen Turner."

"Your wife?" Mrs. Stockton asked.

"Yes. She's a counselor with the NYPD. She started training about six months after Marty was shot."

"Do you think that Ellen would have time to see me?" she asked.

"I'm sure that she would make the time and would love to help. Maybe even make it a coffee date. She loves things like that. I'll have her call you and set something up."

"Thank you Ed. That would be great."

"I think it will help to settle your thoughts a bit before you make contact with Jerry."

"It's a good idea. I will look forward to her call."

She got off of the phone feeling good about the plan, but anxious about talking about how she felt. There was so much bottled up inside of her that she needed to sort out and understand about what happened. She went through the rest day feeling very emotional and out of sorts, which was not normal for her.

After dinner, the phone rang.

"Hello." Mrs. Stockton answered.

"Hi Shirley, it's Ellen Turner. I know it has been a while since we chatted. Probably since Marty's funeral. That was a sad day for all of us."

"Thank you for taking the time to call me Ellen. Do you think you would have some time to meet and talk?"

"Sure. Ed said that maybe going to a coffee shop would make it a little less formal."

"Could you come over to my house? I could serve some coffee here. I think I'll need to be in a place where I feel comfortable to share these feelings."

"I understand perfectly and yes, I would be happy to come to your house. When should we do it?"

They settled on getting together the next morning around 9:00 AM. Mrs. Stockton would have the coffee and Ellen would bring the pastries from the local bakery. After they got off the phone, Mrs. Stockton went to the computer to send a note to Denise

Dear Denise,

How are you doing? Been thinking about you, knowing how hard things are right now. The feelings for me came in waves and I didn't really know how I felt. It is o.k. to feel this way.

I want to run something by you. I've been given the opportunity to send an e-mail to the man who shot my son. I'm having mixed feelings about it enough to talk to a counselor tomorrow morning. Should I even do it? He may not even answer the question that I want to ask. I want to know if he is sorry for what he has done to my family.

Am I crazy for wanting to do this? Should I just walk away and move on?

Would love to know your thoughts.

Shirley

Mrs. Stockton went to the kitchen and refreshed her chamomile tea, feeling very emotionally drained. She took a couple of sips and decided to lay down in bed and try to go to sleep. 

Selma's Story Time - 8/7/14

His name is Ed Turner. It has been a while since she had last talked to Marty's partner. Ed took Marty's shooting pretty hard and went on a leave of absence to work through the emotional trauma afterwards. He came back stronger than ever and worked his way up through the ranks and was now an Deputy Sheriff for the NYPD in charge of Brooklyn. Mrs. Stockton saw a newspaper article recently talking about all of the positive things he has done for that department. She looked up the non emergency number for the station on the internet.

 

"Brooklyn Police Department," the operator answered.
"I would like to speak to Deputy Sheriff Ed Turner."
"He's out on a call. Would you like to leave him a message?"
"Do you know when he will be back? I would like to stop down and see him," Mrs. Stockton replied.
"We are never sure when they will be back, best thing may be for you to leave him a message and have him call you."

 

Mrs. Stockton left a message on Ed's voicemail. The voice sounded a little older, but still the same. She decided to put some final touches on her garden before winter set in; making sure she pulled all of the remaining dead plants and leaves out and removing the mulch from underneath the rose bushes. She loved her rose bushes. They were a gift from the kids one Mother's Day when they were much younger and she tended to them with lots of love.

After a couple of hours in the garden, she went back in the house and checked for messages. None yet. She was sure that Ed was a busy man, it may take him a while to get back to her. She went back outside and brought all of her gardening tools into the shed, done for another season. Walking back towards the house she glanced over into the Tinkers yard and saw Oxford, digging a hole to bury a bone. Then the sound of a phone ringing came through the open kitchen window.

 

"Hello," she answered almost out of breath from running to the phone.
"Shirley?" A male voice on the other end inquired.
"Ed, how are you doing?"
"Better question is are you o.k.? Sounds like you are out of breath."
"I wanted to make sure I didn't miss your call, so when I heard it ring, I ran to it."
"Well, it is good to hear your voice. How are things with the kids?"
"They are good. David's daughter is going to school at Columbia."
"Walter's favorite place, he would be proud."
"Nick is at USC on a football scholarship and Ben is in his third year at OSU."
"Just like his Dad. Last picture I saw of him, he looks just like him too."
"Almost a spitting image. Sometimes it is hard for me not to call him Marty. How are Ellen and the kids?"
"Good. Betsy is going to start her second year at Standford and Cory will be graduating from high school."
"They have all grown up so fast, haven't they?" Mrs. Stockton said.
"In your message you said you had a favor to ask. What do you have for me?"
"I want to know where Jerry Givings is."
"Why do you want to know that, Shirley. He is never getting out."
"I want to know if he is sorry for what he did to my family."
"I'm almost sure he isn't, but why do you want to know?"
"Trying to make peace with my son's death. And besides, I never got to ask him."
"Are you planning to visit him?"
"Maybe. Or just send a letter or call."
"Well, prison is not a place for a nice lady like you. But, if you feel the need to do something, I would probably call or write."
"So, you know where he is?"
"Of course I do, he killed my partner. And the only way he is getting out of there is if they roll him out on a gurney dead."

 

Mrs. Stockton knew that he meant it. During the trial, Ed was almost ready to pull a gun and shoot him on the spot.

 

"So, are you going to tell me where he is?" Mrs. Stockton asked.
"I'm not sure it is such a good idea. I don't want him to hurt you any more than he already has. He's not a nice man."
"How could he hurt me any more than he already has. He killed my son."
"I'd rather have you leave this alone."
"I need to at least ask. He may not respond to me, but at least I tried."
"Do you have an email address?" Ed asked.
"Yes," she replied, hearing some typing in the background.
"I will give you the general email of the prison that he is at. You can send an email to him and he will get it. Whether he'll respond is up to him. Will that work for you?"
"Yes, Ed. Thank you."

 

He gave her the email address for the Tressman/Newman prison in Kentucky. It was kind of scary for her to know where he was and the fact that he was still alive. The next project will be to write the email.

Selma's Story Time - 8/6/14

Bringing her tea onto the porch, Mrs. Stockton thought about how gracious Dan Edwards' family was at the Memorial Service last night. She found it was hard to be there for others while hurting for the loss of a loved one. She sat down at the computer to respond to an e-mail from Denise,

 

 

Denise,

I am so happy I reached out to you. Thanks for being so receptive. I think I was more in shock at Marty's service than you appeared to be last night. My husband Walter believed in dealing with things internally. At the time, I couldn't go against the wishes of my husband, but emotionally I needed to.

Have you guys decided on when you are going to hold Dan's burial? They say to not wait too long, so the family can have closure and a place to go to be with him.

I'll write again soon. My Granddaughter Shelby is coming over for dinner tonight and I need to get the lasagna in the oven. Take Care of yourself!

Shirley
 

The lasagna just finished baking when Shelby arrived. After they enjoyed the old family recipe dinner, they washed the dishes together. When the last dish was dried and put away, Mrs. Stockton went to the bedroom closet to pull out the oak box. She took a scrapbook out and brought it downstairs.

"Has your Dad talked to you about your Uncle Marty?" Mrs. Stockton asked.
"He told me that he was a police officer and that was shot in the line of duty," Shelby replied.
"Let me show you a few things," Mrs. Stockton said as she placed the scrapbook on the dining room table.

She opened the book to the first page. There was a picture of Marty with his parents the day he graduated from the Police Academy. It brought tears to Mrs. Stockton's eyes to see it again.

"Are you o.k. Grandma?" Shelby asked with a concerned tone in her voice.
"Yes honey, I'll be fine. I just miss him so much, and sometimes it makes me cry."
"I wish I could have met him," Shelby said, "but I wasn't born yet."
"You were born just a couple of years later. Your brother Nick was born about a month after it happened."
"It had to be a tough time for our family."
"It was hard to lose him, but I think that the hardest time for us was after Marty was buried and the shock started to wear off. The heart felt attention from others stopped and it was time for us to start moving on. Jenny had a nervous breakdown over what she was going to do. She was now a single Mom with no job, since Marty was supporting her, and a house payment to make."
"What did she end up doing?" Shelby asked.
"She wound up going back to school and we took care of Ben for her. She got a degree in counseling and ended up working in a teen crisis center."
"She's a pretty strong woman," Shelby said.

They looked through the rest of the scrapbook together and Mrs. Stockton was sharing memories with Shelby. She looked up at the clock and noticed the time.

"We better get working on your project before it gets too late," Shelby said.
"You're right," Mrs. Stockton replied, "let's move into the porch."

They grabbed their mugs off of the dining room table and put them onto the computer desk.

"Your Grandpa would never let me search for people like this," Mrs. Stockton said as she sat down by the computer.
"I know. Why didn't you ever work outside the home?"
"I grew up in a different time where the husband provided for his wife and family and the wife took care of the home."
"My Mom and Dad both work," Shelby said.
"Pretty nice jobs too. Keeps them busy. And keep you in school."
"My scholarship helps with that too, Grandma."

They started their internet search through the records that they could get into.

"A lot of this information is password protected, Grandma," Shelby said.
"Some of it is public information though."
"The fact that he was arrested, what he was charged with, and what his sentence was, but not where he's serving his time."
"That's too bad," Mrs. Stockton replied.
"Why do you want to find him?" Shelby asked.
"I want to know if he is sorry for what he did to our family."
"Did he ever say that he was?" Shelby asked.
"I never got to ask him," Mrs. Stockton replied.
"Oh. I don't think we are going to get much further with what we can get into. I'm sorry Grandma."
"No worries honey," Mrs. Stockton replied, "I have an idea who can help me."